Purpose

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Ready to Die

I woke up this morning ready to die. I’m honestly tired of being here and i’m NOT suicidal. ( I DO NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF). I just want to make that clear. I’m just tired of being here living the way I am. Honestly, how life has to be lived here angers me daily.

The thing I dislike the most about living is not being able to just “BE” and what I mean by that is all these narratives and obligations are placed upon you by simply being here but you aren’t allowed to simply “BE” . You never get a break from having to be what’s placed upon you.

You can not live here with out money it doesn’t matter how you make it. Money is not evil, money is not even real and I want to just die knowing that because everyone everywhere is forced to work for something that doesn’t even exist. No one should have to be homeless, starving or even be without a necessity simply because they can not afford those things, but this is the world we live in and it needs to change.

Im coming up at the end of my road I’ve done everything I can think of. I’m going to keep working diligently towards my goals as I clean up this mess of a life I have & hopefully I can feed myself, pay rent, and keep my sanity. At this point in my life I’m just going to tell ppl I don’t have it whether it be for a bill or for groceries because if I truly don’t have it, what else am I supposed to do…. ?? & if the answer is idk … I choose death.

People may think that’s extreme but death is the only thing in life that’s guaranteed and I wish more ppl would have chosen to fight for their beliefs or their rights til death maybe this world would not be the way it is now. Death imo is possibly the only thing that’ll get through to most ppl because someone being homeless, starving, or needing a doctor but not being able to afford it is OK, We as people have accepted the worst for ourselves just because a FEW can “afford” these things. This world is a horrible place to live in and it won’t change overnight. I will continuously do my part here and fulfill my purpose that’s all I can do at this moment. Hopefully a year from now I can look back at this moment with a completely new perspective but at this moment I will honor my feelings and where I am in my journey by being in it fully and embracing the bottomless pit of defeat i’m in because this won’t last forever.

BH.

Astrology

11:11 (Continued)

After he moved in it wasn’t a fairytale or anything like that because we’re still trying to get over the relationships we were in. This is important because it was not our doing we didn’t plan to be together it’s something that the universe put together because I did not think we’d even be seeing each other again because he was with someone else & I never was sad or wanted to be a friend just to be in his presence to manipulate him to be with me or anything. I let go and let him be.

At this point in the relationship we’re trying to communicate and learn more about ourselves but we are NOT together. We both have debts and karma to clear before we would be able to move forward with our union. I did not start to realize what type of relationship this was until we both got into our unconventional occupations and then we started to plan things together. This is important because twin unions aren’t about the romance & fairytale love endings. It’s about finding your higher self and stepping into your purpose fully. This relationship strips you of all facades so you can be true to your purpose in life with or without your “twin”. You move to a path towards your purpose that’s combined for a bigger purpose to help the collective. This union is serious and it’s not one that’s unrequited. If you have a twin and even if things do not work out you will move forward on your path with or without them to fulfill your purpose.

We are still on good terms this is not a relationship I hold to a different standard than any other relationship I’ve been in because I have extremely high standards and throughout the relationship my standards became even higher because of the self love, and a better understanding about others I’ve gained in our relationship. The outcome of any relationship depends on you entirely you have FREE WILL, just because you have a divine connection or even a spiritual one doesn’t mean you are suppose to tolerate trauma and toxicity. This is a relationship will show you all the toxic things & trauma you have so you can try to heal and welcome a new love into your heart.

This will be my final post about “Twin Flames” because of how it’s seen now people have been calling any and every relationship they’re in a “twin flame” relationship. There is not anything I can tell anyone specifically that can determine if you have a twin. Honestly, you just know, it’s a feeling. For me it’s not anything I can explain with “logic” and I’m a very logical person and that’s one of my lesson my “twin” teaches me .. to be less logical & to feel. This relationship is why i’m making this post now, i’m stepping into my purpose more. If you’d like to talk or have any questions don’t hesitate to message me about it because I understand the “OMG WTF” moments that seem unreal.

Astrology

11:11 (Part 2)

I was ecstatic that he was with who he wanted to be with. I was dealing with my own issues so I’ve never had time to be heartbroken or devastated I just kept going. I knew there was something special about him and he needed to be with this girl before we could ever be together in anyway he had to have this experience with this girl. I knew that deep down & I let go & let it be. I didn’t worry or stress about him & honestly he wasn’t around so he wasn’t on my mind constantly. I never saw him or anything, our interactions were based on us making them happen at this point. I didn’t act like he didn’t exist, he crossed my mind sometimes & even when I didn’t know what was going on with him I could taste him, yes taste (that may be graphic) Sometimes when I have intense cravings for things I can actually feel the sensation or taste of what i’m craving. So it would happen randomly I would taste him it would always throw me off but I never thought twice about it.

I’d like to give a brief timeline now so this won’t seem like it’s all happening in a span of a few months. As I stated in part 1 everything began OUR freshman year of College which was 2010, then 2011 is when I would hear his phone’s text tone, 2012 we didn’t stay in the same dorm but we were close, 2013 we possibly didn’t communicate at all maybe a little but he was pursuing someone else, 2014 we interacted for a brief time & he tells me they had a weird misunderstanding & my mom had a stroke, inconsistent communication still going on. The beginning of 2015 had to be when I told him to call instead of text.

Meanwhile we’re apart. I’m in a relationship with someone it’s awesome sexually but I was lost in life. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was probably as big as I had ever been I was depressed & not doing my best. I was in a very dark place and it’s not the person I was with fault. I was just in a really bad karmic relationship. I was consumed sexually and living a delusional life recklessly. Where I am in life NOW made me realize that. I went through so much in that relationship it’s weird that I didn’t feel broken or devastated afterwards I was just glad it was over and I was still alive. I honestly don’t know if I’d be here today if I hadn’t got out of that relationship. The relationship was extremely toxic and I was lost in life w/o a purpose. I still think about the relationship because of the trauma i’ve been left with but overall the relationship brings me so much joy & i’m thankful it happened. I wish I could talk to him again and apologize for my faults and just get an understanding. He’s a wonderful person. I hope he’s doing well and i’m sorry for all the pain I caused. (I was dealing with this person from 2011-2017, he’s the person I “gave” my virginity to)

Ok, it’s 2017 I’m officially done with the karmic relationship but i’m still in it lol. It’s January 2017 & I have this daily prayer thing and I said a personal prayer and the prayer that was for that day. It was exactly what I wanted.

Things started happening, I became very spiritual I found this woman in 2016 on Twitter @MysticxLipstick and she tweeted about astrology I was so interested in it I became obsessed. I soon started studying and becoming interested in other occult things.

Back to 2017 as I start to realize the karmic relationship I was in was ending and I need to tell him … Guess who’s back. Yes you’ve guessed it the special one is back but this time it’s extremely different.

I was still doing my thing with my lil karmic relationship and keeping him out of the picture because I didn’t know how to end the karmic relationship. I slowly but surely started becoming very distant in this relationship. At this point i’m talking to my “twin” consistently and it’s different it feels like we’re being put together because i’m definitely not trying to be with him because i’m dealing with someone else & once we become comfortable and communicate more during this time he starts to vent about his situation with the girl I knew he had to be with before we could be anything. He basically tells me the relationship is over and he doesn’t get certain things dealing with love, relationships and friendships basically questioning everything. We really start to become closer by communicating and spending more time together.

April of 2017 he moves in with me. LISTEN Venus was retrograde at the time and I have no other explanation other than that. I’m still trying to end this other karmic relationship though & he’s getting over the breakup with the girl he always wanted. We’re both going through it but somehow helping each other in the most healing and loving way we knew how at the time & it was basically us just being there for one another. He’s legit trying to make amends with the other girl and yes I’M HELPING. I’m just trying to end this karmic relationship.

.. to be continued.

Astrology

11:11

Growing up I would daydream about love and being in love. I would imagine I was in this intense & passionate love affair that consumed me entirely & it was the love I always wanted. I knew I’d experience an extravagant & whimsical love that I couldn’t explain when I was younger but I could feel & sense the intensity of it all.

Everything began in college. Although we stayed in the same dorm our freshman year I never saw or met him. It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I somehow would be in his presence without knowing it, daily. I didn’t know much about relationships I was still dealing with high school flings honestly. I knew nothing about soulmates or twin flames. Sophomore year we stayed in the same dorm again but at the time I didn’t know this. He stayed on the other side of the dorm but I would go to that side often because my classmates I was still friends with at the time stayed on the same side. My classmates actually stayed right across from his room. I would go over and visit my classmates often and I would constantly hear this text message tone in the room across from them it was always loud and obnoxious to me but I’d hear it so much it was almost weird not to hear the tone if I was going to visit my friends.

One day I’m going back to my room it was storming and the elevator lights were blinking and I already had a phobia of elevators so I ended up taking the stairs instead. I make it to the floor I stay on and I see a couple of ppl getting on the elevator and idk how I knew it was him but he was adorable and he was kind of fearful being on the elevator so he got off, I giggled as I passed, I’m certain I made eye contact but never spoke. That’s the first time I saw him. The next time I would see him again but he definitely didn’t see me. This was an unfortunate time because I still didn’t know him but I witnessed him being arrested and deep down without knowing him or having a conversation I knew he was innocent. I didn’t see him anymore that year.

New school year, I stay in a different Dorm this year & nope he doesn’t stay there but he’s close… extremely close. I randomly meet him again in the student center, he’s talking to my sister I didn’t know they knew of each other but I meet him then and it wasn’t a simple greeting to each other. He touches my hair and says my sister’s hair is softer, very blunt and rude af. Time goes on and I guess he finds me on twitter and he gives me his number we became associates so forth and so on. It was never a steady relationship or a regular relationship. When we spent time together it felt like I knew him before, I was extremely comfortable but not for long. I really liked him but he definitely wasn’t the only person I was dealing with. I know I was juggling a few but he made me feel things I never felt before and it scared me but enticed me too. I remember asking him did he believe in “FATE” and he replied “NO”. I didn’t realize why I asked that years ago until now. One day we were together and I was talking about something and he says “You’re so possessive” and that really made me want to run because it was like he was seeing through me no one ever did that before (I’m a scorpio rising conjunct pluto). I told him that I could tell he was an extremely “sensitive” person (he has a 12th house stellium and his moon is in the 4th house). We continuously see each other because we enjoy it. We became friends over the years and he would vent to me about his current relationships and just things he’d want to talk about. He doesn’t know how much I like him and truthfully I ignored it and didn’t express it because what we were doing was good and he would vent to me about who he liked and what he should do. I knew who he liked and how much he liked her. I always wanted him to be happy even if it didn’t involve me. I would always give him the best advice I could to help him in his other relationships. We’re still randomly hooking up and having this consistent but inconsistent relationship. He’s definitely in and out the picture trying to be with “the girl of his dreams” which wasn’t me by the way lol. My only rule for any relationship was that if anyone I was dealing with got in a relationship (girlfriend) to my knowledge I would cut ties completely. He ended up getting with the girl of his dreams and everything stops between us no texting, no random pop ups, nothing. I have a feeling it’s over he’s with her now at least one of us is happy right, well something happens and he hits me up and we interact and he tells me about how something weird happened and he was heartbroken but he’s still going to pursue the girl he genuinely liked, I was going to tell him how I felt but the timing was terrible, my mom just had a stroke and I wasn’t in a place to even want to be with anyone I wasn’t even myself.

After that random meeting it would be last I see of him for awhile again. He would randomly text me for advice or to talk and he told me her birthday was coming up and he told me he had a text message scheduled to send her and I told him don’t text her happy birthday, call her. I knew she wasn’t expecting that, it would make him stand out and it would look like he was extremely interested. He did it, and I suddenly didn’t hear from him again. Heartbroken but ecstatic that even though he was with the girl of his dreams and not me there was hope I’d find someone or love like that. It made me hopeful more than anything because of how much I knew he liked her and him actually being able to be with her. It made me happy that he was happy.

This is a good ending point for part one. It’s just getting started.

Perception, Perspective

How to Love ?

Lately I’ve been thinking about reciprocity vs. balance. I have always struggled with wanting someone to reciprocate the love I gave and I always ended up devastated & disappointed because the love I gave was not reciprocated. I’ve learned the way I wanted love was selfish.

Yeah, I said selfish, I was only loving someone to get the love I gave in return, although my love is real & my intentions were good I never received that love back… ever. It was selfish of me to push my love on someone without asking how they wanted to be loved or what’s love to them. The bold part is me wanting them to give me what I gave them & I’m sure I was emotional & tried to manipulate/force that love from some people.

I set a boundary in my relationships a long time ago I decided not to “exchange“, “bet” , or “you do this, I do that” in my relationships & I started to see how much this was an issue for others as well. I’ve always wanted someone to WANT me. I never wanted a love story of “she did this for me so I love her” or basically the only reason I’d be in a relationship is because I gave something & they decided to ‘reciprocate’ with love. To me that’s not love & that’s not how I want love. I believe love should be given freely, either you do or you don’t. I can’t force you to love me & a simple gesture or trial doesn’t determine whether I love someone or not.

Everything you do in a relationship you must WANT to do it. Don’t do anything because someone did something for you or because you want something from someone. Be genuine & do things simply because you want to. Therefore there will not be any regrets or resentment. After doing things this way my relationships started to change & I started to learn so much about myself. I was able to set boundaries & give the love I knew I was capable of giving without disappointment or devastation.

Then I realized balance is a necessity in relationships, I never got this far in relationships prior due to the way I went about relationships & love. No one is perfect so we do come up short sometimes and with balance in a relationship your partner can meet you where you are until things get better. Balance gives you a peace of mind so you can grow. To have balance in a relationship takes teamwork & good communication. Learning how to balance a relationship is rewarding for you and your partner you both benefit from the things you naturally want to do.

I steer more towards equality in relationships so balance works best for me. Do you demand reciprocity or do you enjoy the balancing act?

#Poetry

A Brush with Death

A Deer

A Red Light

Asleep

Cars

In an instant

In a blink

existence could cease.

Back stories:

A Deer: I was in the backseat minding my business & out of nowhere a deer hits the side of the car i’m sitting on. I’m thankful the deer didn’t break the window or I might not be here today.

A Red Light: One strange unexpected night he ran a red light (BARZ lol) but yeah he ran a red light & Im thankful i’m here today to write poetry about it.

Asleep: She fell a sleep at the wheel. I’m thankful I wasn’t sleep I was looking at my phone & I looked up & we were about to crash. I grabbed the wheel & yelled her name & kept calm. I’m thankful I’m alive.

Cars: all of these near death experiences could’ve ended my life instantly. I don’t own a car & when things like this happen I question whether I should own a car or trust other ppl to drive.

I’m alive and I’m grateful.